Worry Warts

Having a family binds you together with other people in a way more intimate than most of us can imagine. Sometimes you feel like the crew of a ship, out at sea, isolated from the world around you by waves and the knowledge that everything you need can fit into one little boat. Sometimes you feel like you've been secretly cast on a season of "Big Brother" with a group of people who just want to fight, scream, pee their pants and throw food. Luckily that doesn't happen nearly as often. But even in a stable, happy family there are times when the sails get ripped, the rations run out and big decisions have to be made. By someone. And it's you. Things are quickly changing for us; long-held dreams are suddenly coming to fruition, new developments seem to be happening daily and things we had always put in the "it's a given" pile are on the chopping block. Everyone has to make decisions and I know mine are not on the same plane as deciding whether to cut the blue wire or the red wire but the problem with being an adult with children means that all these decisions need to happen while still packing lunches, doing store runs, making sure the special red socks are washed, being responsible for 10 feet worth of toenails (yes, the dog counts) and all the other things we all do everyday. When big things come up it creates a perfect pressure cooker environment. Before we know it, we become so overwhelmed that we can't think straight and that's when the worrying comes in. In so many instances, the thought of deciding and choosing the wrong wire is just too much, so it's easier to worry obsessively until we are backed into a corner, time is out and we just say "Uncle!" and choose something, anything. Or worse, we let someone else do the choosing for us.

When this all started a few months ago I noticed that my shoulders had started creeping up to my jaw, as if I'd shrugged and they'd just stayed there. I went to bed each night making lists, running numbers in my head, and feeling anxiety about my knitting project. Since I took up knitting to have a relaxing hobby I knew I'd let my worrying ways get out of control. There are so, so many things in life that warrant a good worry and there are billions more that simply do not. When we're overwhelmed it becomes impossible to separate the two and if we put the worry-worthy items in Column A and the not-so-much in Column B it's easy to see how we spiral. The lists combine and worrying suddenly becomes preventative medicine for thousands of inconsequential things. But worrying is not preventative medicine. I've started to realize, probably much later than most, that many times worrying is just a synonym for fear and helplessness and if you can correctly name the real feeling then your work is halfway done. I once remarked to a very wise woman that I was very worried about a good friend. Her reaction? "Oh, that's terrible! Don't do that! When we worry about someone, it tells them that we don't believe they can do it, that we doubt them, that we think they are a lost cause." While I can think of several people I've encountered who are, in fact, lost causes, it really struck a chord. When I think of friends who are ill, do I really think they won't make it? Absolutely not. I see their fire, their strength and I feel no doubt whatsoever. But I do worry about how they feel; I worry if they're getting enough rest, eating well, feeling alone, feeling frightened, if they're getting enough love. And of course, the interesting thing is that all those questions can be answered or remedied with a phone call or a visit yet many times we just don't do it. We don't want to intrude or over step, so instead we do the most proactive thing we can think of, which is to worry about them. If you were waiting for medical results or just lost your job and a friend called to say, "I worried so much for you last night I slept three hours and cried in the shower for you this morning," it certainly doesn't inspire confidence.

We all know the haggard, over-worried person who combines and confuses love, empathy, compassion and action with worry and it's not a pretty picture. I've become determined to NOT be that person. It's not the person I set out to be and it's not the person I want my children to wake up to every morning. It's so much more empowering to be a solver of problems, a maker of decisions and a care-notter of pointless, petty things. Vowing to never, ever worry is pointless, but I do believe I can cut my worrying by at least half. Below are some helpful worrying alternatives:

1. Breathing, breathing is good.

2. When you feel overwhelmed with worry, try a good Uttanasana pose and you'll feel how all your worries are quite literally shoving you down. It's a great way to force a deep breath.

3. Write them down. Look at them hard and decide if you want these worries to be so powerful in your life that you'll take time to write them down.

4. Ask yourself if you can fix it. If yes, make a plan to do so. If not, think of three things that could at least make it better or make you not care about it. Write them down if you need to.

5. FORCE yourself to sing. It doesn't have to be "The Love Cats" but it probably shouldn't be "Comfortably Numb." On my current worry-free playlist: "In A Big Country," lots of Bollywood and "Good Feeling."

6. Kung Fu fight! Preferably with someone of equal or larger size. This one really works.

7. Exercise. It works but has varying levels of discomfort.

8. Hug a child (always get permission if not your own).

9. Take a dog for a walk. Having something be so grateful to you for 30 minutes definitely clears your mind a bit.

10. My favorite - do something for someone else and expect NOTHING in return. Don't do it grudgingly, don't drag your feet, don't worry that they won't like it since that's, you know, another worry. Just know that you're making someone's day better and possibly taking a worry off their list.

11. If all else fails and you feel yourself sinking in worry, watch this and regroup.